I could sit here and write for hours about mom’s story. It all really went downhill after she had her stroke in 2015 but then the biggest hit was after the one in 2018 that led to her brain damage. She bounced back SO well, even after that but her body could only hang in there almost a year. My aunt was so amazing at taking care of her and trying to meet her every need. Mom was so blessed to have her there. I just think about when I was helping mom with baths and helping wash her hair after she was bedridden and I think about how it was such an honor but at the same time so heart breaking to see. I would go and visit mom after her last stroke when I could and of course I was still pregnant with our Abbie girl during that time. The last real conversation I had with mom on the phone was September of last year. We were still waiting for our air conditioner to be fixed and had borrowed window units from people from church. It would be the last time I would ever talk with her on the phone. Ever.. talking to her on the phone was my comfort. But the last year I talked to her on the phone she couldn’t talk long because she would get tired. Only SHE understood me in a way that no one ever will. If I needed to vent vent vent or complain then she always took my side (99% of the time) and when you talk to your mom it just makes your day that much better. It’s so weird. It’s so different not being able to. I just feel that hole, that missing piece. So, I would go see her in late 2018 then into earlier this year and the brain damage made it where she would try to speak sentences but most of the time you couldn’t make out what she was trying so hard to say and then the rest of the time she was asleep. She was eating really well for my aunt, which is great but my aunt started to get overwhelmed as the months passed. Eventually mom started to yell or cry and keep my aunt up most of the night. My aunt had a baby monitor hooked up so she could go rest at her own place, which was only 2 doors down. Fast forward to September of this year and mom’s birthday was September 10th, which was a Tuesday. The previous week my aunt had a doctor’s appointment coming up and she had no one to watch mom and was in a desperate need of a break from mom, so she called mom’s nurses and asked to have mom put into one of the facilities for a few days. She kept trying to tell mom over and over that she wasn’t leaving her and she would bring her home for her birthday. Mom did great Wednesday and Thursday (well, she tried to tell the nurses that she felt abandoned but that was just her brain not remembering) but by the time my aunt came to see her that Friday she was frantically grabbing onto my aunt’s arm and acting out of it. My aunt swore that they were probably giving her too many meds that were making her loopy and my aunt was LIVID about that idea. Nurses called over the weekend and told my aunt that mom was going downhill. I decided to come down that Sunday to take my aunt to see her and Katie was with us. It was a beautiful facility. We walked into mom’s room and she was asleep but woke up a little but couldn’t really talk, even though she was trying so hard to say something. I walked up to her and put my hand on hers and she was frantic but I just told her to rest and relax. She tried to say home… I told her that Cathy would be taking her home the day after tomorrow because it was almost her birthday! She eventually relaxed and passed back out. We waited and eventually the nurse came in to talk to us and the nurse mentioned again that mom was going downhill but my aunt just thought again that mom was put on too many meds and she could get her home and back to what she was when she was at home. They wanted to keep her longer than Tuesday but Cathy said no, she promised mom that she would be home on her birthday. The people told Cathy they didn’t think mom would survive the ambulance ride home but Cathy told them she didn’t care – she just wanted mom to be home so I was there with Cathy waiting on the ambulance and they drove past the apartment and had to come back. They eventually got her in and she looked.. about gone. Her hands up to her chest, bent downward and her mouth open with her head back… that’s how you know they are about done. She had been put on a morphine pump but it was only a small dose. The facility had not been giving her meds.. that was just her body failing. I stood by her hospital bed in her home and didn’t know how to feel. I told her I loved her as I got ready to come back home the night of her birthday. The last birthday I would get to be with her. Mom held in there Wednesday. Cathy said she went to check on her at like 2AM that morning and mom was alive but still the same, hadn’t moved at all. She was going to sleep in the chair in mom’s living room but decided to go back home and try to sleep. Cathy called me just after 8AM Thursday and said she came in to check on mom … and she was cold. She was gone.

To be continued.. I’ve upset myself enough for tonight. I still don’t know how to feel without her here. It’s just so strange. I’ll never be ok with it.